OMGWTFLOL

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter will probably waste several minutes of your life, and for that I apologize in advance. It may surprise you, however, that a similar imposition is routinely forced upon the vast majority of Carleton students. I refer, of course, to the startup time of campus computers.

I understand that as the 8th (9th? whatever) best liberal arts college in the country, Carleton provides us with countless privileges. Each improves our experience here somehow, but by how much – that depends on who you ask. Personally, I’m looking at a long downhill. Now that Upper Sayles looks like Starbuck’s, I doubt that my Q of L will ever skyrocket quite the same way again. But my therapist at the Wellness Center keeps telling me to think positive, so...the new iMacs on 4th Libe are pretty cool.

I particularly appreciate their sleek, ergonomic keyboards. They make typing easy and accurate, sparing me the shame of re-entering my password each of the minimum six times I have to enter it. However, it astonishes me that these fine investments take longer to start functioning than a lacrosse player on a Sunday morning. Since Apple can do no wrong,* I blame Carleton.

I would never question the necessity of the GoPrint! application. Just the other day I watched some townies sneak into the library to print out pictures of heroin or whatever, only to be thwarted at the card-swiping station. “Damn, I really felt like killing some trees!!" they mouth-breathed. "Oh well, let’s go steal backpacks from the dining hall.”

At the time, I had been about to print out a life-sized picture of Obama for my room. But somewhere between the second and third time I was asked to approve it, I had a sudden change of heart. 26 pages? I began to doubt my place at Carleton, and then my value as a citizen of the earth. Thanks to GoPrint!, next time I can save myself from such redundant thinking.

But what about the other applications bouncing sluggishly at the bottom of the screen? “Mount” something? What is the fuck is that, and why must it steal an hour from me every term?

Maybe I'll never know. I guess I could ask my friends at SCIC, but they’re busy fixing broken printers (putting up signs) while I sit here, gazing out at the sunlight...waiting to remember why I left it in the first place.

*Decree of Jobbal Infallibility, unanimous resolution by freshmen Emily and Neil, Urban Outfitters half-yearly sale, 2007.