If I Were A Boy or two

Poor guy, "LeBron James has killed his desire for higher education"

Poor guy, the slave of wormlike PhDs.

Poor guy, diabetes at age 12

Poor guy, "Nearly one in 10 college men met a 12-month diagnosis of alcohol dependence."

Poor guy, they call him a coward for respecting beauty

Poor guy, they call him a monster for noticing it.

Poor guy, shipped home in a body bag

Poor guy, "I think going abroad changed him."

A list of times Ohio is burned in pop culture, and an explanation

Vanilla Sky

Brian: But wait. You're rich and women love you, and I'm from Ohio and I'm drunk. Can I tell you the truth?

Bowfinger
Daisy: I know what's going on. I may be from Ohio, but I'm not from Ohio.

3rd Rock from the Sun
Tommy: We don't have cell phones, we're from Ohio!

30 Rock
Floyd: There was actually a tornado downtown in Cleveland last week. Destroyed an entire city block. Three bowling alleys, a liquor store, and the liquor store museum.

Ugly Betty
Wilhelmina: I love your blouse!
Betty: No you don't.
Wilhelmina: You're right, I don't. It's hideous. Like driving through Ohio.

----

Why Ohio? There are much worse places. They're called Kansas and Nebraska and New Jersey, and it's national consensus that they suck. But that's why making fun of them is like making fun of hipsters - it's too easy. Watch:

"Nebraska is boring."
"New Jersey is worthless."
"Hipsters are arguably the worst outcome of the Bush administration."

There's no one in Nebraska to offend anyway besides Conor Oberst, who already sings about killing himself, and with New Jersey, shittiness has become a point of pride.

Ohio, though. It's kind of legitimate. We have 20 electoral votes, a bunch of colleges, and sports teams that consistently almost win. We have a few cities paved with time and fully acquainted with success. We have just enough cultural capital that we don't need to represent ourselves with cheese or potatoes.

Sure, none of this merits the patriotism we indulge now and then. But if it's baseless pride that bothers you, Texas has turned that into an art. On the coasts, arrogance reaches dangerous levels. It's so good to be Bostonian that you have to give up several years of it, a shortened lifespan the inevitable cost of always being angry at the rest of the world for not being Boston. The only reason everyone forgives them is that they have "personality" - an accent, a lifestyle, some ethnic stereotype open for condescension and therefore charming.

Meanwhile, we teach CNN how to speak. That's not cute. To the outsider, it's just frustrating. All he hears is a name, all he sees is a heart shape on the map, and all he'll remember about either is an annoyingly wholesome symmetry.

Ohio is neutral, neutral is Ohio. If you write for ABC and are miserable because you’re working on the next Ugly Betty instead of your screenplay, or you watch ABC and are miserable because you’re watching Ugly Betty, you want a joke that sends mediocrity somewhere else. Ohio is neutral, and neutral is average. At least I don’t live in Ohio. I am not average! I am better.

NO, YOU’RE NOT. Be a little more creative, and leave us the hell alone.

an hour into my CAMS paper

27%

“Two girls call me closed-minded. I tell them that they are so open-minded that their brains leaked out.”
-Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

Whether or not you believe in affirmative action, Carleton can do better. No one expects us to single-handedly solve the race gap in America, but one thing isn't helping, and that's bringing in international students and calling it diversity.

In 1974, Carleton's black and Latino enrollment was 150/1600, or a little over 9%. Today, it is 11%. In 35 years, we have gained 2%. Meanwhile, the actual black and Latino population of the US has grown from 16% to 28%.

Carleton students by race, 2008

Suddenly we're a lot farther behind, and we're using bad semantics to hide bad recruiting. In a recent speech, Oden mentioned the 'diversity' of the incoming freshman class: “...and [number] international students and students of color."

"With their powers combined, we are closer than ever to creating the ultimate Diversity Megabot! Take that, Middlebury."

He didn't say that. But anyone would tell you not to combine these groups – you're thinking in terms of Norm vs. Other, using a binary system to sort people. It’s the only way to have a sex life at Carleton, but it’s irresponsible.

But it can't be a mistake. President Oden is smarter than me. So coming from him, it sounds more like an excuse. It sounds like someone’s not doing their job because there’s no Rockefeller grant and black males leave anyway and it’s easier to get “diverse perspectives” from other countries than the third-world one in America.

In May 2007, Carleton's admissions policy shifted from need-blind to need-sensitive. The Voice reported that "there are fewer nonwhite and first-generation students in the classes of '10 and '11 than earlier classes."

The $300 million campaign soon followed, and a major initiative was bringing back need-blind admissions. But of the $90 million designated for financial aid, $60 million went to domestic students and $30 million to international students.

Why? What kind of diversity is important to us? People are afraid to talk about it, but most don't seem to care. Maybe I'm wasting my time because it all looks the same on paper and that's what we're here for, a piece of paper. The idea of diversity is good enough for the idea of an education.

Carleton vs. Disney World (we have more countries, but they have Blizzard Beach).

In the end, I think it's stupid that Carleton wants to be mini-Oxford, but I get it. We're sick of no one caring that we're mini-Harvard. The trouble is that changing our priorities has consequences on the real world that we're not owning up to. The irony is that people don't ultimately come here because it's "cosmopolitan;" they come here because they see the ranking and the modest image and expect a little "integrity."

OMGWTFLOL

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter will probably waste several minutes of your life, and for that I apologize in advance. It may surprise you, however, that a similar imposition is routinely forced upon the vast majority of Carleton students. I refer, of course, to the startup time of campus computers.

I understand that as the 8th (9th? whatever) best liberal arts college in the country, Carleton provides us with countless privileges. Each improves our experience here somehow, but by how much – that depends on who you ask. Personally, I’m looking at a long downhill. Now that Upper Sayles looks like Starbuck’s, I doubt that my Q of L will ever skyrocket quite the same way again. But my therapist at the Wellness Center keeps telling me to think positive, so...the new iMacs on 4th Libe are pretty cool.

I particularly appreciate their sleek, ergonomic keyboards. They make typing easy and accurate, sparing me the shame of re-entering my password each of the minimum six times I have to enter it. However, it astonishes me that these fine investments take longer to start functioning than a lacrosse player on a Sunday morning. Since Apple can do no wrong,* I blame Carleton.

I would never question the necessity of the GoPrint! application. Just the other day I watched some townies sneak into the library to print out pictures of heroin or whatever, only to be thwarted at the card-swiping station. “Damn, I really felt like killing some trees!!" they mouth-breathed. "Oh well, let’s go steal backpacks from the dining hall.”

At the time, I had been about to print out a life-sized picture of Obama for my room. But somewhere between the second and third time I was asked to approve it, I had a sudden change of heart. 26 pages? I began to doubt my place at Carleton, and then my value as a citizen of the earth. Thanks to GoPrint!, next time I can save myself from such redundant thinking.

But what about the other applications bouncing sluggishly at the bottom of the screen? “Mount” something? What is the fuck is that, and why must it steal an hour from me every term?

Maybe I'll never know. I guess I could ask my friends at SCIC, but they’re busy fixing broken printers (putting up signs) while I sit here, gazing out at the sunlight...waiting to remember why I left it in the first place.

*Decree of Jobbal Infallibility, unanimous resolution by freshmen Emily and Neil, Urban Outfitters half-yearly sale, 2007.