unemployable

The day the aliens come,
the reckoning day, the day of last words,
I have something to say
just one thing,
if they’ll listen:

we know how bad it looks.

we know we’re ugly.
it's true, we sweat, we shit, some of us bleed,
we get old and wither,
we’re soft, we're not built to last,
we'd be so easy to squash,
but please don’t, because

we know we haven’t made it very far.
it's true, we’re still smashing electrons together,
drowning in melted continents,
baffled by consciousness,
but please,
just give us some more time, because

we know we’re deplorable,
it’s all true, we have
bombs pointed at our own planet, we have
children in factories making $500 jeans, we have
minstrel shows and frat house rapes and
ten thousand more reasons to kill us, but
please don’t, because

it’s all true,
everything we say
in our
songs.

Manifesto

"Fact of the matter is, I believe that our only curses are the ones that are self-imposed...We, all of us, dig our own holes."

-Coach Gaines, Friday Night Lights (2004)

For anyone who has ever read my column, thank you. But I want to make something really clear. I’m no wiser than anyone else here. I like giving advice to freshmen and sticking up for strippers on paper, but I’m only 22 years old. I have no idea what I’m doing.

In November, I went to a discussion called “Does Sexual Violence Affect Women of Color at Carleton?” I was hunting for a column idea, and I was expecting to hear sweeping social critiques. But toward the end, legendary history professor Harry Williams said something strange. How can we be happy as individuals? What can I, Hannah Watson, do to enjoy my own life?

This was very upsetting.

On one hand, it seemed to go against the entire ethos of what I’m going to call the WASP belt, the string of colleges (including Carleton) founded by Congregationalists with a core mission of service to humanity. Harvard was originally intended for creating “a learned clergy.” You got an education to give back to the world, maybe teach a savage or two about Jesus, but not to make yourself happy.

Modern academia has become its own kind of religious community. We’re driven by a common belief that nothing is what it seems. You might get this from looking at a microorganism or a nude model, but whenever it happens, it feels good for a simple reason: It makes you free. Learning emancipates us from our preconceptions about the universe.

So going deeper, education is indelibly personal. If a drop of pond water is not what it seems, perhaps you are not who you think you are.

Not many people know this, but my life used to revolve around sports. Even fewer people know that I’ve struggled with poor body image for most of my Carleton career.

I did soccer and track in high school, but in college I discovered I was built to row. They put me in stroke seat (look it up, proles), and within three months, I’d broken a 7:40 2k on the erg, which was a big deal for DIII women and damn near the school record.

I decided it was enough. I wanted to focus on challenging my mind. I transferred to an elite, frozen, land-locked school. But I held onto my pride, and forgot that one of the best things about crew was the respect it gave me for my body. At regattas, I’d look around and see all these tall women with thighs and shoulders and breasts and miraculously unapologetic postures, and I’d finally feel home.

I tried different activities at Carleton, but it was never the same. I couldn’t throw a frisbee for shit. What would I do with my body do in this godforsaken state? What else could it do?

It could drink. And it could look good. I started to live for these things, and my health slowly fell apart.

So this question of how to be happy – it haunted me. It threatened all of my precious regret, and all the anger I’d buried about our goddamn weather and our goddamn ectomorph infestation. It threatened the whole hero/victim complex I had with Carleton, which was a good excuse for neglecting things I cared about.

But I couldn’t dismiss it. Harry Williams has been here since 1989, and witnessed the struggles of thousands of students. What’s more, I’d heard the exact same thing a week earlier from someone who’s been here since 1979, legendary CAMS professor John Schott.

As we head into winter term, please remember their advice. Try to be kind to yourself. For me, this means eating regularly, sleeping, and forgiving the teenager inside me who sneers at non-competitive exercise. She’s never written a column, or made a film, or been in love. She was beautiful, but so am I.

College is about letting go of who you've been. Whether you have noblesse oblige guilt about being a studio art major, or working-class guilt about not being satisfied with a $52,000-a-year experience, you can make Carleton a better place by celebrating the fact that as a human being, you have a right to be unhappy as well as happy.

“… it doesn't matter to me at all whether you like the school. It seems like you like some things, and don't like others, and that's how it should be.”
- Becky Leichtling ‘08

Photo credit: Emma Giboney

College in three haikus

oh yeahhh
Batman comics stashed
inside a Coach bag, damn it
feels good to be me.

this year, I sold Babe Ruth
to the Yankees for
an old Daewoo, and used it
to invade Russia.

the smile means
I’ll remind you that
life is good if you remind
me that it’s easy.

Trust no one

"Washing one's hands of the conflict between the powerful and the powerless means to side with the powerful, not to be neutral."
-Paulo Freire, The Politics of Education

When I was in elementary school, my dad got involved in the movement to change the Cleveland Indians’ name and mascot. During baseball season, we attended demonstrations outside Jacobs Field.

I believed in the cause by default, but I hated the protests. They were cold and boring, and I had to watch thousands of fans disrespect us. Some laughed, some gave us the finger, and a few stopped to talk, but they often seemed inattentive (I now realize they might have been drunk).

In 1998, the Indians made it to the World Series. As a publicity stunt for the opening game, the activists burned an effigy of Chief Wahoo. I watched five of them, including my dad, arrested for “aggravated arson.” (They were detained overnight, but never prosecuted.) My brother videotaped the whole thing, and it made the news.

Inevitably, this came up at school. My fourth grade teacher wondered how many people had been arrested. I answered. She smiled, and asked how I knew this.

I was cornered, so I told the truth. The entire classroom gasped. I turned beet-red, and laughed, clinging to what I can only describe as the masochistic thrill of social martyrdom.

That year, my school established something called the Golden Rule Club.

This program was the brainchild of our assistant principal, who had become highly unpopular in her efforts to improve lunchtime discipline. She used to stalk the cafeteria looking for kids out of line. I guess one day she decided that there had to be a better way, consulted Stalin and Skinner, and came up with the GRC.

Any student could become a member of this club based on a points system. Points were earned through different activities, from putting a napkin on your lap during lunch (1 point) to various forms of menial labor (collecting trash from the playground, 15 points).

Every week, Vice Principal Stalin would announce the newest members and present them with blue and gold T-shirts. Every month, the entire club would wear these shirts to school, and receive a free meal catered by Taco Bell. You'd sit at a special table with a white tablecloth and "Golden Rule Club" signs, eat your taco, and be happy, because you won.

This is speculation. I was not in the GRC. From my perspective, it was just a wall of blue and smugness and Fire Sauce. At first I abstained out of laziness, but most kids will do anything for fast food. By Christmas, the majority of the fourth grade had joined, including the rest of the gifted program; some of my friends became high-ranking members, which was a recurring source of conflict ("Why don't you just join?" "Because it's retarded").

In the spring, Stalin finally pulled me aside. In retrospect, I don't blame her. It must have seemed odd that Hannah Watson, quiet kid, model student, would take issue with conformity.

"You know, you really should be wearing a napkin by now."

She had a point. It was the easiest thing in the GRC rulebook. But that's what I couldn't stand. It was so easy, and it didn't mean anything.

Clever and classless and free

Jeff Richmond: When we were first dating, some of the guys at Second City said, ‘Hey, wouldn’t it be a hoot if we go over—’

Tina Fey: ‘—over to the Doll House. We’ll go to this strip club ironically.’ I was like, ‘The fuck you will…’

In 2008, erotic dancers in Minnesota were charging about $300 an hour, but I would only have to pay $20. It was my second year at Carleton, and a group of my friends had decided to hire a stripper as a surprise for a girl’s birthday.

I had some knee-jerk Asian discomfort about this, but I shrugged it off. After all, this was Carleton. We’d probably end up paying some bemused woman $300 to play Scrabble with us for 20 minutes, which was hilarious, and besides, we’d get to meet a real live stripper! How delightfully plebeian.

A week before the event, I got an email thread discussing the details. Did we want a blonde or a brunette? Piercings or tattoos? They did some research and attached pictures of our options.

After watching these photos circulate for a few days, I had to wonder. Did they feel good about stripping? Did they have other jobs, or families? The more I thought about it, the stranger it seemed that I might actually watch one take off her clothes for money and pretend to enjoy it.

I had no objections to sexual freedom. At women’s college, it had been everywhere – naked people laying out in the sun, transsexual people on my sports team, people who had sex in public bathrooms talking about it at dinner.

But this was entirely different. Just for the hell of it, we were about to hire an actual sex worker.

If you asked Carleton students to consider stripping, I’m sure the vast majority would decline. Our culture is based on shyness. We have trouble going on dates without the aid of student government (i.e. Screw Your Roommate), we can’t appear naked in public without sprinting (i.e. streaking), and most of us can’t even dance fully clothed in front of an audience without getting hammered first (i.e. Ebony).

None of this is bad on its own. People tend to be guarded about their sexuality because it’s important to them, as it should be. But everyone deserves this. When you pay a stripper to do something you’d never do yourself, you accept that her sexuality is less valuable than yours. Outside of Carleton, I know people (male and female) who’ve had sex for money; none liked how it felt.

College should be fun. But once your choices involve other people, you have to remember that the things you do are the things you actually do. Hiring a stripper as a joke is still supporting an industry that exploits people in atrocious ways. We live in a world where human trafficking is a massive and fast-growing trade.

We also live on a campus where sexual assault happens.

When Carleton’s revised Sexual Misconduct Prevention and Response policy showed up in my mailbox a few weeks ago, this was all I could think about. Despite their laudable efforts to streamline the process, no amount of re-wording and re-structuring could change the atmosphere that caused people to stay silent.

But this atmosphere is nothing more than the sum of many individual attitudes towards sex.

Today, I honestly can’t remember whether or not my friends went through with their plan. Does it really matter? Maybe not. Maybe injustice anywhere isn’t a threat to justice everywhere. Maybe I just need to lighten up and have a better sense of humor. Then again, maybe even the funniest woman in America would have felt the same way.

…I love to play strippers and to imitate them. I love using that idea for comedy, but the idea of actually going there? I feel like we all need to be better than that. That industry needs to die, by all of us being a little bit better than that.
-Vanity Fair, January 2009

Dear Freshman

“Given Carleton’s high retention rate (97%), it’s pretty evident that Carls are satisfied with their school.”
-CollegeProwler.com

“35% of students have seriously considered leaving Carleton College.”
-Carleton Campus Climate Survey, 2008

“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation.”
-Henry David Thoreau, Walden

---

Hello, freshman. Welcome to Carleton. Unless you are a sociopath, you’re probably a little anxious.

I want to tell you what I wish someone had told me, because after four terms at Carleton, I got so frustrated that I essentially stopped doing work. When this manifested on my transcript, they gave me a two-term suspension.

As an applicant, you had impressive grades, extracurriculars and/or test scores. But you're a Carleton student because underneath that, you genuinely enjoy intellectual freedom.

In theory, this helps us keep each other, and the institution, as honest as possible. In practice, it doesn't always show. Class discussions are stagnant, circular or one-sided. Student government can't seem to change worthless school policy. Many of us do half-assed work. Worst of all, we feign happiness. We settle into cliques, and before long, the rest of Carleton starts to look nauseatingly homogenous, but we keep on smiling because this is the Midwest, where angst is for cowards.

If you ever encounter this, here are some things to remember.

1. Class discussions are up to you.

Even when you're unprepared, or chemically inconvenienced (tired, hungover, high, etc), your ideas matter.

Carleton does not hire faculty primarily for their people skills. I think our professors still deserve their #1 ranking – they’re brilliant, accessible, and caring – but they can’t really understand you.

This is not their fault. I don’t understand you. You were six years old when the Internet happened. You probably know what 'sexting' is. The important part is that you understand each other, and you can keep each other in check.

In class, someone will often dominate discussion. It will be tempting to hate this person, but do not be intimidated by his vocabulary (face it guys, it's usually you); your silence is the only reason he thinks it's cool to spend ten minutes on the latest idea NPR has given him license to abuse.

It’s not as easy as it sounds – most of us are awkward – but if you have a valid insight, another smart, awkward person will probably respond to it.

2. You are what you write.

This is why Carleton pesters us with writing requirements, but unfortunately, ugly hurdles like portfolios can obscure a much uglier truth: Every paper you bullshit is a tiny act of suicide.

If you're lazy (like me) or busy (like most people), it will often seem necessary to shut off your conscience the night before a deadline and defile "Politics and the English Language" for six hours straight. It's not. If you don't have enough time, swallow your pride and ask for an extension. Most professors would rather wait an extra day than read five pages of nonsense, and besides, this behavior will hurt you in the long run.

You can't pick a major without giving any subject real attention. One of my worst mistakes was majoring in science, and I did it partly because I hated the insincerity I was getting away with in social science and humanities.

3. The right major will feel the least like work.

I truly hope you don't get suspended, but it forced me to discover what my real passions were, and who my real friends were. One person gave me some of the best advice I can give you: Forget about your diploma and do what you love.

I had avoided CAMS entirely because a lot of people called it a joke; it's become the only department where I’m able to work shamelessly hard.

4. Carleton politics are more accessible than you think.

When school policies seem hypocritical, talk to CSA, or go straight to administration. If you don’t get answers, write a Viewpoint for the Carletonian, a blog post for the Daily Knight, or yes, a CLAP article. People read this shit. President Oden used to, and if Poskanzer wants our respect, he’ll be doing the same.

Finally, I invite you to participate in this column. If you have a gripe, a concern, or a joy to share about Carleton – or about my writing – I would love to publish it. Talk to me, email me, or drop a note anonymously in my mailbox (#122).

---

In 1975, my parents stepped onto campus. They had a storybook liberal arts experience, and still claim that Carleton taught them how to think.

For me, this was a massive personal inconvenience. By the time I was born, they'd become committed to social justice. My mom dragged me along to do community organizing in Chicago, live in a commune in New York, protest US weapons testing in Puerto Rico, and visit political prisoners across the country.

She worked for the United Church of Christ, which is a lot like Carleton – white, liberal, and flawed. In high school, I watched them fire her for speaking out against institutional racism.

Carleton tried to do something like this in 1974.

My parents heard about Professor Wellstone, but during their time here, they never bothered to meet him. My mom was invested in Chapel functions and studying; Dad was content with Biology/football/the bar.

You can do your best to enjoy the Northfield bubble. But the world is far messier than academia. No matter what classes you take, one of the biggest things you can learn here is to question authority.

If you see something wrong with Carleton, chances are you're not alone. Thirty years ago, 94% of the student body stood up for Paul Wellstone because the admissions office knew what it was doing.

This hasn't changed.

When I saw Carleton bragging about diversity and sustainability without being transparent about the economics behind them, I gave in to cynicism. No one seemed to care that the school was preaching intellectual curiosity while condoning intellectual laziness.

But in reality, Carleton students rarely reject an opportunity to think. That’s why our most fiercely beloved campus publication is the only one that never censors, and it's probably why our Quiz Bowl team beats Harvard.

Which brings me to my parting advice.

Never stop giving people chances to impress you. When they seem disingenuous – and at some point, they will – cut them a break. That Chinese kid who never talks to anyone is a long way from home. That hipster who won't shut up about his radio show just left behind a cherished music scene. That cocky freshman suspects that he only got in on football, and that angry CLAP writer might be a dirty legacy kid. It takes some effort, but I already sense that you can do it.

The truth is, you have everything in common with the person sitting next to you in class. If you were alive in Poland in 1940, or Pakistan in 1971, or Cambodia, 1976, you might have died together.

You’re an intellectual. Be proud. Don’t reduce yourself, or your peers, to what clothes you wear, what bands you hate, or what substances you ingest. You have too much to lose.

Happy Mother's Day, ladies

“After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.”
-Mark Twain, Adam's Diary

My alarm is set to a pop radio station. By 8am, the hosts of the morning talk show are usually several drinks deep, and their shouting is a good waker-upper. The other day, there was a discussion on the evils of women.

It seems Talibany, but you hear it all the time. Girls are bitches. We gossip, lie, manipulate, and generally ruin lives. We hate all other women besides our friends, and we secretly hate them too. The only reason we don't rape and kill is because we're too weak.

At this point, someone usually speaks up. I kept waiting. After twenty minutes, I wanted to cry. Almost every caller was a woman, and they all agreed that they belonged to a race of monsters.

---

Last winter, my mom called from the hospital. She was in a bike accident.

When I walked into the ER, I didn't know what to expect. Thankfully, it had sounded worse than it was. What caught me off guard was my reaction. I’m not a squeamish person, but when they said she'd need surgery, I fled to a bathroom across the hall, where my reflection above the sink was sweaty and chalk-white.

I paused.

I went back. I forced a smile. I held her hand, wondering if it helped, praying for my dad to show up and take over.

But when he did, something strange happened. He froze. As he explained, this was paralyzing: Seeing a loved one in pain when he couldn’t do anything, drive to the hospital, save the day, shoot the bastard responsible...

---

At the risk of sounding traditionalist, I think it’s wonderful that men often want to fix everything. But sometimes you can't. The world is unfair. Cars crash, bombs fall, boxes open, and all you can do is show compassion – the simplest human act, but not the easiest.

I wish I could take credit for this, but I know that pasty girl in the mirror. I’ve seen her before, moments before speeches and piano recitals.

This time was different. It only took a few words. Your mom needs you.

I think something on my second X chromosome just kicked in. And I'm eternally grateful for that, but it also makes my heart break every time I see another woman calling herself weak.

If I Were A Boy or two

Poor guy, "LeBron James has killed his desire for higher education"

Poor guy, the slave of wormlike PhDs.

Poor guy, diabetes at age 12

Poor guy, "Nearly one in 10 college men met a 12-month diagnosis of alcohol dependence."

Poor guy, they call him a coward for respecting beauty

Poor guy, they call him a monster for noticing it.

Poor guy, shipped home in a body bag

Poor guy, "I think going abroad changed him."

A list of times Ohio is burned in pop culture, and an explanation

Vanilla Sky

Brian: But wait. You're rich and women love you, and I'm from Ohio and I'm drunk. Can I tell you the truth?

Bowfinger
Daisy: I know what's going on. I may be from Ohio, but I'm not from Ohio.

3rd Rock from the Sun
Tommy: We don't have cell phones, we're from Ohio!

30 Rock
Floyd: There was actually a tornado downtown in Cleveland last week. Destroyed an entire city block. Three bowling alleys, a liquor store, and the liquor store museum.

Ugly Betty
Wilhelmina: I love your blouse!
Betty: No you don't.
Wilhelmina: You're right, I don't. It's hideous. Like driving through Ohio.

----

Why Ohio? There are much worse places. They're called Kansas and Nebraska and New Jersey, and it's national consensus that they suck. But that's why making fun of them is like making fun of hipsters - it's too easy. Watch:

"Nebraska is boring."
"New Jersey is worthless."
"Hipsters are arguably the worst outcome of the Bush administration."

There's no one in Nebraska to offend anyway besides Conor Oberst, who already sings about killing himself, and with New Jersey, shittiness has become a point of pride.

Ohio, though. It's kind of legitimate. We have 20 electoral votes, a bunch of colleges, and sports teams that consistently almost win. We have a few cities paved with time and fully acquainted with success. We have just enough cultural capital that we don't need to represent ourselves with cheese or potatoes.

Sure, none of this merits the patriotism we indulge now and then. But if it's baseless pride that bothers you, Texas has turned that into an art. On the coasts, arrogance reaches dangerous levels. It's so good to be Bostonian that you have to give up several years of it, a shortened lifespan the inevitable cost of always being angry at the rest of the world for not being Boston. The only reason everyone forgives them is that they have "personality" - an accent, a lifestyle, some ethnic stereotype open for condescension and therefore charming.

Meanwhile, we teach CNN how to speak. That's not cute. To the outsider, it's just frustrating. All he hears is a name, all he sees is a heart shape on the map, and all he'll remember about either is an annoyingly wholesome symmetry.

Ohio is neutral, neutral is Ohio. If you write for ABC and are miserable because you’re working on the next Ugly Betty instead of your screenplay, or you watch ABC and are miserable because you’re watching Ugly Betty, you want a joke that sends mediocrity somewhere else. Ohio is neutral, and neutral is average. At least I don’t live in Ohio. I am not average! I am better.

NO, YOU’RE NOT. Be a little more creative, and leave us the hell alone.