If I Were A Boy or two

Poor guy, "LeBron James has killed his desire for higher education"

Poor guy, the slave of wormlike PhDs.

Poor guy, diabetes at age 12

Poor guy, "Nearly one in 10 college men met a 12-month diagnosis of alcohol dependence."

Poor guy, they call him a coward for respecting beauty

Poor guy, they call him a monster for noticing it.

Poor guy, shipped home in a body bag

Poor guy, "I think going abroad changed him."

A list of times Ohio is burned in pop culture, and an explanation

Vanilla Sky

Brian: But wait. You're rich and women love you, and I'm from Ohio and I'm drunk. Can I tell you the truth?

Bowfinger
Daisy: I know what's going on. I may be from Ohio, but I'm not from Ohio.

3rd Rock from the Sun
Tommy: We don't have cell phones, we're from Ohio!

30 Rock
Floyd: There was actually a tornado downtown in Cleveland last week. Destroyed an entire city block. Three bowling alleys, a liquor store, and the liquor store museum.

Ugly Betty
Wilhelmina: I love your blouse!
Betty: No you don't.
Wilhelmina: You're right, I don't. It's hideous. Like driving through Ohio.

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Why Ohio? There are much worse places. They're called Kansas and Nebraska and New Jersey, and it's national consensus that they suck. But that's why making fun of them is like making fun of hipsters - it's too easy. Watch:

"Nebraska is boring."
"New Jersey is worthless."
"Hipsters are arguably the worst outcome of the Bush administration."

There's no one in Nebraska to offend anyway besides Conor Oberst, who already sings about killing himself, and with New Jersey, shittiness has become a point of pride.

Ohio, though. It's kind of legitimate. We have 20 electoral votes, a bunch of colleges, and sports teams that consistently almost win. We have a few cities paved with time and fully acquainted with success. We have just enough cultural capital that we don't need to represent ourselves with cheese or potatoes.

Sure, none of this merits the patriotism we indulge now and then. But if it's baseless pride that bothers you, Texas has turned that into an art. On the coasts, arrogance reaches dangerous levels. It's so good to be Bostonian that you have to give up several years of it, a shortened lifespan the inevitable cost of always being angry at the rest of the world for not being Boston. The only reason everyone forgives them is that they have "personality" - an accent, a lifestyle, some ethnic stereotype open for condescension and therefore charming.

Meanwhile, we teach CNN how to speak. That's not cute. To the outsider, it's just frustrating. All he hears is a name, all he sees is a heart shape on the map, and all he'll remember about either is an annoyingly wholesome symmetry.

Ohio is neutral, neutral is Ohio. If you write for ABC and are miserable because you’re working on the next Ugly Betty instead of your screenplay, or you watch ABC and are miserable because you’re watching Ugly Betty, you want a joke that sends mediocrity somewhere else. Ohio is neutral, and neutral is average. At least I don’t live in Ohio. I am not average! I am better.

NO, YOU’RE NOT. Be a little more creative, and leave us the hell alone.